Monday, 6 April 2015

Food diary

here it is. This is my ongoing food diary. I may start posting pictures of everything I eat also. Call this my own little therapy to make me realise what I am doing.

Monday 6th April-
Feeling- Fresh
Breakfast- 2x weatabix, 2x Muller light Greek
Lunch/dinner- Large portion of baby potatoes with cheese, 5x mini chicken breasts, wrapped in lean bacon, cheese and a drizzle of leftover apple sauce.
Evening- chicken skewers

Tuesday 7th April
Feeling- Tense
Breakfast- 2x weatabix, Muller light Greek, mini apple bag
Lunch- quorn chicken pieces in peanut butter and scrambled egg.
Dinner- steak sandwich

Wednesday 8th April
Breakfast- 2xweatabix, miller light strawberry
Lunch- chicken breast wrapped in bacon and egg fried rice.
Dinner- microwavable chicken tikka curry

Thursday 9th April
Feeling- haggard
Breakfast- weatabix with a drizzle of toffee sauce, Muller light strawberry
Lunch/ dinner- harvester salad bar, roast chicken, jacket potato and JD glaze, strawberry sundae,
Nibbles- mini eggs

Friday 10th April
Feeling- tense
Breakfast- porridge and strawberry yogurt.
Lunch- cheesey potatoes
Dinner- chicken wrapped in bacon, potato's with cheese, iceburg lettuce with ceased dressing

Saturday 11th April
Feeling- better
Breakfast- porridge and Muller light
Lunch- bacon and egg sandwich, mini cheddars
Dinner- 1/2 pizza

Sunday 12th April
Feeling- determined
Breakfast- porridge and Muller light

Its been a while

Currently watching- WWE NXT

So, its been a while hasn't it? I honestly do not know what stopped me writing this, perhaps it was fear, perhaps getting comfortable in a relationship, I just do not know.

I started writing again just so I can get some of this stuff out of my head. I've been internalising everything which has been pushing me close to the edge.  

Depression is a dark thing. It manifests in self deep inside your core and acts as a sortof filter. I find any conviction, whether emotional, logical or otherwise is filtered through this core resulting in a false representation of what I truly want. I seemed to have lost interest in anything. Music no longer exited me and I've locked myself away in my room, solely living for work and nothing else. Those thoughts of throwing myself in front of a bus are slowly returning again.

Something I have been asking myself is 'what do I truly want in life?'. I turned 25 just over a week ago, which by modern day standards is no means old, but its surely about time I should be on the road to who I want to be? I will be returning to the school again in two weeks time which is a great start. I put off going back to university to do my PGCE for another year which in hindsight was a stupid decision. I didn't believe I was ready, I believe that was a result of this depression telling me I can't do something. 

I gained weight again. Nearly everything I lost previously. I'm having trouble breathing, sleeping and moving again. This needs fixing. I'm starting a ongoing food diary on line, it's the only way of coming to terms with what I eat, and how much of it. I am actually ashamed of how much is on my plate most days. That's not normal surely?

I'll keep this short. This will be a work in progress.

Friday, 27 September 2013

Update No.2 1/10th of the man

Currently watching- Doctor who season 3
So, another update! I think I mentioned in the last update that I wouldn't be doing this on a set time scale, just whenever I can be bothered/ I feel as if i've hit a personal goal. So Wednesday I weighed in a 21st 1lbs, a current loss of 2st 12lbs since I started this. Since day 1, I've lost over 10% of my body weight, quite literally making me 1/10th of the man I was 2 months ago. Scary stuff if i'm honest with you. 

That's loss graph no.2, hitting my club 10 for slimming world! Those of you who are following my progress will notice i've changed my target weight (Purple line) up from 18st. I'm currently in a bit of a race with a few guys from work, they aim to gain 1st 7lbs by 21st October and I aim to lose it. So, my goal by the 21st Oct is 20st 2lbs, A massive task (Considering I still have 1st 1lb to go) but i'm set on doing it! 
Slimming world itself is going great! I've fallen in love with stir frys as of late, 7-9 syns for a stir fry sauce mixed in with chicken, rice and veg has been the stable of my diet for the past few weeks now. I've won slimmer of the week 3 times and slimmer of the month twice since being at group!

Anyway, some face/ body shots are shown below, I can't really see the difference but alas here you are!

***Since writing this I hit 3stone! =D***

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Update no.1 05/09/2013

Now listening- Megadeth Greatest hits

So, an update! I'll admit I'm dreadful at this sort of thing, I must have started this a million times already but those of you who know me, know my attention span is piss poor. If you wave something that is shiny and jingles in front of me you've lost me.
Yeah, something like that

Things are going rather well I think. I'm currently weighing in a 2st 3lbs lighter than when I started this process. Currently weighing in at 21st 9lbs as opposed to 23st 13lbs. I'm averaging about 6lbs a week give or take which is astonishing progress. I still can't believe it's actually happening considering what I'm eating. I've only really changed a few things about my diet and it seems to be working amazingly. 
 My graph, the red line is my current progress, blue line is predicted, green line is my 10% body weight loss and purple line is my personal target

I'm starting to notice things are fitting differently than before. I have to constantly wear a belt as my jeans keep falling down, majority of my jeans are a 48R waist and I seem to have acres of room in them. I have to literally fold the jeans to stop them from jetting out of the belt line. I still can't fit into my New-Zealand rugby shirt which is a bummer but it's fitting better which is a start. I can actually get the thing on which is more than I can say a few months ago.

I've also noticed I don't need to constantly drink pints and pints of water to keep myself going, thus reducing how much I sweat. Don't get me wrong I still do at work and when I'm stressed etc but it's not half as bad as I was. Anxiety has cut back massively so, I've only really had one anxious attack in the last month in comparison to the several a day I used to get. It was a vicious circle of I'd get hot, start sweating, become conscious of this, sweat more, etc etc. 

I appear to be coming out of my depressive cycle too, I had some truly dark thoughts prior to this process, crippling in some respects. I tore myself apart about my daily rutine, finding it difficult to relax in any shape or form. I appear happier than before now, everybody who I've spoken to on the phone says I sound happier and less drained than before, if other people are starting to notice I guess it's true eh? 

Drinking and smoking wise, I've had one drink (A Jagerbomb at work) in the last month. I had a few drags off of a cigarette the other day after a particularily ballache of a day and felt disgusted, it made me feel ill. Doubt I'll be doing that again anytime soon.

I'll leave it with a quick progress photo, just as a point of reference to how i'm doing.

Christ knows, 24st+? I didn't actually weigh myself at this point so i'm guessing

23st 13lbs body shot
23st 13lbs face shot

21st 9lbs- Same shirt as is picture no.1, now fitting correctly and loosely. I used to have to hold the shirt together with safety pins to contain my stomach.

 21st 9lbs, face shot

Monday, 12 August 2013

Referencing an article

Currently listening to- Black Dahlia Murder- Nocturnal
I came accross an article about 'friend-zoning' which as a subject I have no real care or links to (Given recent circumstances i'm much happier being on my own!) but there was a couple of paragraphs about being a 'nice guy' and always having an alteria motive. It really hit home actually; I realised I was seriously like this over the last few years.
Here's the section I copied from the article (Full link and reference at the bottom of this post).
"After years of bitterness and jealousy, it dawned on me that I spent more time indulging my own sense of injustice than I did actually thinking about what I could do to be nice to people, women included. In the end my acts of ‘generosity’ ended up being conceited attempts to attract women. I wasn’t really thinking about them or what would make them happy. Rather, I was looking for ways to make them think I was a suitable and attractive partner. It was then that I realised that maybe I wasn’t a ‘nice guy’ after all.

Genuinely nice guys don’t label themselves as such. Instead, they are just kind and sensitive toward others without hope or agenda, just because they want to be. ‘Nice guys’ (in inverted commas) tend to have selfish ulterior motives, and if you’re only nice to people if you think you’ll get something in return, then maybe you’re not as nice as you think you are"

Sunday, 11 August 2013

Operation reset- a summary

Now watching- Dexter Season 1 episode 2
So, here's a summary of operation reset, what I'm doing to sort my life out, step by step:
1- Weight loss
  • Join the slimming world diet
  • Regardless of being offered up to 20 syns I will only be having a complete maximum of 15 (the recommended amount).
  • Get a pedometer again (Something about these little things gets me rather excited when I reach my daily goal)
  • Watch weight loss inspiration videos daily.
  • Cut down on drinking.
2- Re-invigorate brain 
  • Start practising bass at least 30 mins a day.
  • Find a new subject to study via the M.I.T open source website.
3- Mental well being
  • Meditate at least a few times a week.
  • Sleep hypnosis for dealing with anxiety and stress
  • Possibly seek counselling through the Doctors or another source?
4- Clear debt 
  • Reduce overdraft limit to £1000.
  • Research Natwest graduate loan to clear the high interest debt
 5-Learn to drive
6- New career
  • Finish Linkedin
  • Apply for at least 5 jobs a day
  • Finish CV
  • Finish covering letter

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Shocked at myself

 Now watching- Doctor Who Season 6

Today I did something I thought i'd never do. I'm normally a very forgiving person, letting people walk over me no matter what they have done in the past.Today I didn't let that happen. Somebody I never, ever want to hear from again, the things they put me through cannot be forgiven. In some respects I could thank them, what they did pushed me over the edge to start this whole new healing process. Swings and round-abouts aye?

I ended up blocking her number, blocking her off of Facebook and all out banishing her from me life. I can honestly say even looking at pictures of her makes me sick to the stomach. After I had {alledgely) done all of those horrible things to you, why on Earth would you dare message me in a friendly manner? 


Anyway, I needed a rant, I apologise.This didn't plan to use this blog as a venting point. I'm not one of these people that likes to air my dirty laundry in public so i'll cut things short here. I almost slipped up on the whole dieting front today. Popped down to the local corner shop on the way back to work and almost bought an energy drink to help get me through the night (Currently running on 4 hours kip!). I had to argue with myself and luckily 'no' came to win. 

Also alongside the weight loss I have also given up smoking and cutting down on my drinking. I haven't craved a cigarette all week until now, work was a touch stressful to say the least. I love my new job, the people I work with are fantastic, just generally had a long day that's all, I didn't give in though!. I was offered a few drinks from customers at work today and you'll be happy to hear I didn't take them, I settled with a diet coke instead.

I did however have one of these (See below) when I got in: which was surprisingly tasty for a 0.5% lager. Sainsbury's own low alcohol lager, I'd really recommend it to any slimmers out there who want to be able to have a drink but not have the extra calories on top. This only counts as 1 syn which is great! Rather crisp and refreshing too ^^ Especially after a long day at work. Not to mention (If I remember correctly) only costs £1.20ish a 500ml bottle!
Man points lost.
Anyway, I'll cut to the chase I had a cheeky weigh in this evening when I got in from work. Happy to say i'm at 23st 2lbs, a total loss of 11lbs since Monday. This was after eating a big bowl of pasta during the day as well as drinking a fair old bit of water at work. So slimming world is clearly working! Two more pounds and I've dropped my first stone!